Whom Will You Marry?

There is a constant question put in front of us from childhood: Whom will you marry? This question tends to cost more stress and confusion in a person's life than, perhaps, any other.

Something engrained into me from a very young age was that God brings you the person who is right for you. I never had a problem with that. What took me a while to realize, and to wrap my head around was this:

God does not bring two people together to bring them closer to each other, but to bring them closer to Himself.

There’s an idea of “soulmates” that dates all the way back to Plato. In The Symposium we find this idea that people are really half-souls. We were torn apart and long for the other half of our souls. The idea was that, when we found our soulmate, there would be an unspoken understanding of each other and that, when we had sex with each other, it would be the best feeling in the world.

Hopefully you can see how this idea still permeates society. Imagine the problems that would ensue if, when someone stops feeling ecstatic about their spouse, they decide that their spouse must not be their soulmate; therefore, it almost becomes their duty to leave them. As ridiculous as I hope that sounds, that is exactly how much of society views love and relationships today.

Let me be clear. God is not bringing you someone to complete you. Nor are you going to complete someone else. We are made whole by Christ alone. He is all that is missing from our lives. (2 Cor. 5:17)

God brings together two whole individuals, who have each been set apart and appointed for His purpose.

“I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb. Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you as my prophet to the nations.” (Jer. 1:5)

Marriage is a beautiful thing as it is the example of our very relationship with Christ. Marriage, however, is not a command. Marriage is not something to be pushed on people. Marriage is not something to be taken lightly.

Paul even said, “It is good for a man not to marry. But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband.” (1 Cor. 7:1b-2)

He’s not saying there that marriage is some kind of last-resort for the lusty. He is saying, though, that being single is a good thing.

When we are single our one and only calling is to serve God by serving others. When we gain a family, though, our calling becomes serving God by responsibly caring for our families and serving others. We are unable to responsibly commit everything to serving God and the lost.

Again, please don’t misunderstand. I love families. I would very much like to meet a God-fearing woman who is proud of her parents, brags about her friends, reads books, is understanding of my tendency to procrastinate, can keep me accountable, and tries not to assume things until she learns the full story.

I’m not saying she needs to be exactly the incredible woman I just described, but I am very much defined by the life calling that God has placed on me, and she needs to fit me in my pursuit of God.

When a ring fits you, you don't even realize it's there. That ring is made for that finger. When you take off a ring that fits after a while, you feel like you're unbalanced, like you're missing a part of you.

Your life calling and your family are things that are a part of you, of your identity. They are things that you can't help but feel passionately about. They fit you because you were made for them and they for you.

If God brings you that one, that person that was made for you and you for them, you will feel that passion. You will look at them and say, "That's who I am. That’s me," almost like when you find that perfect item to complete your "look." Though, I pray, with much more heart-feeling.

In one moment you will realize that about them- that they fit just like a ring on your finger. It may be years after meeting them, but, when God has prepared both of you for each other, He will open your eyes to what He already sees.

When pursing them means pursuing God, you can be sure that His blessing is on you. You are called to a purpose. If God sees it fit to bring you someone, they will become a part of that purpose.

If you want that, if you want to find that person and God has placed a desire for marriage in your heart, then let me offer you some encouragement. You will find them when you are whole-heartedly pursuing God and His purpose for YOUR life. Then, and only then, will they fit you like a ring on your finger.

It is only when we are completely content as singles in our relationship with God that we can be content as couples in that same relationship.

To that end, if you think you may have found that person, hear me out.

Rushing into a "loving" relationship may be the least loving thing you can do.

Love is seeing someone through God's eyes. The more you get to know them – the more of them you see – the more you can love them. You can never stop loving them more, so long as you take the time to get to know them more. But, if you never take the time to get to know them well, you'll never see them as God does and, so, will never love them well.

Treat them as a traveling companion and your relationship as a trek worth taking. As with any good adventure, the journey is as important and wonderful as the destination. Don't miss out on it or you might miss out on your whole story.

It takes a moment to see someone; it takes holding every moment captive to know someone; it takes thousands of captive moments to know someone well. Take your time. It can take decades to discover who you are. It will take a lifetime to discover who they are.

Discussion points:

How does society in the world and society in the Church pressure marriage on people who may not be ready?

How might a relationship suffer if one of those in the relationship has not been made whole in Christ before the relationship?

How can we prepare ourselves for marriage?

How much room for interpretation is there in, “Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were your father. Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity.” (1 Tim. 5:1b-2) Do you think it’s fair to say that if we wouldn’t do it with our sibling we shouldn’t do it until we have a spouse?