Searching for Hope

I was twelve-years-old the first time I thought about suicide. That was when I realized that knowing my parents’ religion was not the same as having my own faith. I spent the majority of that year reading graduate-level books in an attempt to disprove Christianity.

In truth, I was searching for hope; nonetheless, even after finding that hope in Christ, I continued to think about suicide almost every day for the next six years. I didn’t realize then that salvation was never supposed to be the end.

The worst part about discovering the reality of life in Christ was the inescapable awareness that I did not deserve it. Throughout those years I became acutely mindful that, every time my life took a couple of steps forward, it would immediately take a hundred steps backward. Every time I made a few positive choices to stabilize myself, I would make a mistake that derailed my entire life.

I never questioned my assurance of salvation. I knew Christ was in my life and that I was set apart to a heavenly purpose because of Him. The fact that I fell incredibly short of God’s perfection, though, was enormously clear. What was the point of putting off heaven when every second I spent on earth was another chance of me disgracing the One who died for me?

During those years, I had three different friends who struggled with suicide. I shared the hope of the Gospel with them and saw hope change their lives. I lead Bible studies at three different schools. I shared my testimony in Church and online. I read through the Bible multiple times and even carried my Bible with me everywhere throughout high school. I danced without restraint, sang out boisterously and fell on my hands and knees in honest and earnest worship. I prayed from my heart and I cursed my life and thanked God in the same breath. I did almost everything exactly right.

Here is what kept me down: I was too proud to be weak and I was ashamed of the Gospel. These two things made me, while a good student of the Word, a terrible disciple of the Word.

I was consumed with a thought echoed by Paul in Romans 7:15. “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.”

Constantly struggling with this, I realized I needed to give my weakness to Christ. I chose a life verse at thirteen-years-old that told me how to do that. It took five more years for me to understand it.

“But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” – 1 Corinthians 12:9

At eighteen-years-old, I had recently broken off an engagement and was standing in a church service begging God to pull together the pieces of my directionless life. That morning the whole church felt the presence of God so powerfully that my pastor spontaneously threw out his sermon for the day and we sang and worshiped for almost a full two hours.

A half-hour into the service I grabbed my pastor’s shoulder and, with tears streaming down my face, smiled and told him, “I’m not depressed anymore. I don’t remember ever not being depressed. It’s gone.”

What changed after six years? I had become so desperate for the power of Christ in my life that I had become glad for my weaknesses. I finally saw my shortcomings as opportunities for God’s glory rather than obstacles in His path.

Not only difficulties and hardships in my life, but also my own mistakes and failures became reasons to rejoice! The reality of my wonderful situation hit me so hard in the face that I stood trembling before my Church unable to comprehend the freedom that I felt inside of me.

However, I was still ashamed of the power of salvation that had come to me until I was twenty-two. Just as thankless pride had kept be from being healed, so thankless shame kept me from healing others.

God uses us even at our absolute worst to see lives changed. I craved the respect of others more than I desired heaven’s authority. As a result, I allowed the fear of losing their respect keep me from shamelessly professing my faith.

In church, all I had to overcome was some stage fright. In truth, there was never anything too special about me sharing my testimony. I only shared the Gospel with friends when I was invited to. I had the nearly guaranteed respect of those I shared with.

The day I that being a disciple became more important to me than the respect of people was the day my faith came alive. The power that raised Christ from the dead not only lived in me but also flowed from me.

At nineteen I had gotten a tattoo that said, “To live is Christ To die is gain,” (Phil. 1:21) on my shoulder with an Ichthys in the middle. I was very proud of it, as I was proud of the fact that my faith gave me assurance of everlasting life. Somehow, though, I failed to realize what it meant that to live is Christ.

There is an old phrase used to describe discipleship as it was done in Jesus’ day. “May you walk so closely in the teacher’s footsteps that you are covered in his dust.” There is no self-respect that factors in. The only factor is how much my life and words reflect Christ.

This is still a work-in-progress for me. I have made really stupid mistakes even in the past year, but I have also seen God heal bodies and spirits through me. I have seen God prophesy directly into lives through me. I have seen God bring His lost children into a disciple-minded relationship with Him through me.

“To die is gain,” means eternal life. “To live is Christ,” means becoming more and more like Christ in this life. We both were made holy at one time and are being made so daily through Christ. (Heb. 10:10-14) God is not done with us.

“being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” -Philippians 1:6

From suicidal kid to empowered disciple, I love my life and where it’s taken me. Unashamed and humbled, I am alive in Christ.

Discussion points:

Christ’s last command to us on earth was to “make disciples of all nations” (Mat. 28:19). As Christians, I believe we should always have at least one person we are discipleing and one person discipleing us. Who can these be for you?

What are we holding on to that is not in our control? What are we not giving to God?

What situations make you ashamed of the Gospel? Peers at work or school? Family? How can we overcome that shame?

Hebrews 10 verse 10 says we have been made holy but in verse 14 it says we are being made holy. How is that Christ’s sacrifice made us holy and yet we are still being made holy? What does sanctification (being made holy) mean?

What does, “to live is Christ,” mean to you?