Relationships tend
to work in extremes, these days. Either you’re in a relationship that has
constant conflict, or you try your hardest to never fight. Both are
irredeemably unhealthy.
When it comes to my
relationship with the gym, I tend to have two ways of going about it. I avoid
the gym altogether, or I go way too hard. On the one hand I get fat and on the
other I injure myself. It takes so much self-control for me to go to the gym
regularly and never push myself too hard. When I do, though, I feel and look
great! I have all this energy, my stomach isn’t sticking out over my pants, and
I’m not running out of breath when I climb a flight of stairs. It’s awesome!
While arguments and
disagreements are good, even healthy, they must be gone about in a healthy
fashion. There are those who feel the need to express their emotions and
feelings in full force and passion. It seems like they are always in an
argument. They can come off as abrasive, and very frustrating. Even more
frustrating, though, are those people who are never willing to have a
disagreement. They come off as hard-hearted, because they are.
The Bible gives us
clear warnings against such behaviors.
"If you keep on
biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each
other." (Galatians 5:15)
"Therefore, if
you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother
has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First
go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift."
(Matthew 5:23–24)
We need to avoid extremes in our
conflicts, but, above all, we have to face them.
The main ingredient
in conflict resolution is, unfortunately, often the most rare thing found in a
relationship: listening. Often it is assumed that listening involves merely
hearing and processing the information presented to you. But if you were to
tell a fifth grader, E=MC^2, they would almost certainly wonder what that
means. The same confusion and wonderment should come into a relationship when,
for instance, a woman says to her boyfriend, “I’m just tired.” A woman saying
something as simple as this should launch her significant other into a stream
of questions, like a student encountering a complex physics equation. On the
same line, when a man does not pay attention to his girlfriend, the girlfriend
should not assume the man is ignoring her. The solution is asking and answering
questions without presumption and without anger.
There’s an exercise that couples do in marital counseling.
It’s called the “So what you’re saying is” technique. Or, at least that’s what
I call it. The idea is pretty simple. When you are in a conflict or sense one
brooding, you repeat what you are fairly sure you just heard in your own words.
The results are astounding. Women tend to find out that men have absolutely no
grasp of the English language, and men find out that women don’t speak English
at all, but an advanced code of sorts.
We can both, men and women, become proactive
communicators. Proactive communicators
never assume that their message will get across. They anticipate the different
ways someone else may look at a situation or a request. They send someone to
the store with the specific type of milk, not just “milk, “expecting the person
to know what’s been in the fridge for the past ten years. They write reminders.
Etc.
Listening and communicating only lays the foundation for
resolution. Once we understand a conflict, we then have to deal with it. The
single most important thing in this confrontation is security. You can’t walk
into a fight with the fear of one person leaving the relationship or hating the
other and expect to walk out of it unscathed. Every fight should begin, end,
and consist of love.
We can never let ourselves use words that cut the other person.
No matter how upset we may get during our disagreement, our first
responsibility is always to protect and build up that other person. When we
lose sight of that, the argument has lost all of its value because we have
already lost the point. We also can’t be the person that avoids conflict, so
that bringing up a potential conflict becomes taboo.
Being unwilling to face conflict prevents emotional
availability. Being unwilling to have a calm argument prevents emotional
intimacy. Either a person will feel like he can’t express himself or a person
will feel like he can’t disagree. The result is the same: instability. This
affects much more than just a peaceful atmosphere in the home. It affects the
trust in the relationship.
"Jesus knew their thoughts and said to them: 'Any kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and a house divided against
itself will fall. Whoever is not with me is against me, and whoever does not
gather with me scatters.'" (
The most important thing for any relationship, for the
church, and for our nation today, is that, even in the midst of disagreement,
we remain united. It is, of course, difficult to put this into practice.
“If it is possible, as far as it depends on
you, live at peace with everyone.” (
It is not always about being right. It’s about living in
peace.
“‘In your anger do not sin’: Do not let
the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a
foothold.” (
