Conflict

Relationships tend to work in extremes, these days. Either you’re in a relationship that has constant conflict, or you try your hardest to never fight. Both are irredeemably unhealthy.

When it comes to my relationship with the gym, I tend to have two ways of going about it. I avoid the gym altogether, or I go way too hard. On the one hand I get fat and on the other I injure myself. It takes so much self-control for me to go to the gym regularly and never push myself too hard. When I do, though, I feel and look great! I have all this energy, my stomach isn’t sticking out over my pants, and I’m not running out of breath when I climb a flight of stairs. It’s awesome!

While arguments and disagreements are good, even healthy, they must be gone about in a healthy fashion. There are those who feel the need to express their emotions and feelings in full force and passion. It seems like they are always in an argument. They can come off as abrasive, and very frustrating. Even more frustrating, though, are those people who are never willing to have a disagreement. They come off as hard-hearted, because they are.

The Bible gives us clear warnings against such behaviors.

"If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other." (Galatians 5:15)

"Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift." (Matthew 5:23–24)

We need to avoid extremes in our conflicts, but, above all, we have to face them.

The main ingredient in conflict resolution is, unfortunately, often the most rare thing found in a relationship: listening. Often it is assumed that listening involves merely hearing and processing the information presented to you. But if you were to tell a fifth grader, E=MC^2, they would almost certainly wonder what that means. The same confusion and wonderment should come into a relationship when, for instance, a woman says to her boyfriend, “I’m just tired.” A woman saying something as simple as this should launch her significant other into a stream of questions, like a student encountering a complex physics equation. On the same line, when a man does not pay attention to his girlfriend, the girlfriend should not assume the man is ignoring her. The solution is asking and answering questions without presumption and without anger.

There’s an exercise that couples do in marital counseling. It’s called the “So what you’re saying is” technique. Or, at least that’s what I call it. The idea is pretty simple. When you are in a conflict or sense one brooding, you repeat what you are fairly sure you just heard in your own words. The results are astounding. Women tend to find out that men have absolutely no grasp of the English language, and men find out that women don’t speak English at all, but an advanced code of sorts.

We can both, men and women, become proactive communicators.  Proactive communicators never assume that their message will get across. They anticipate the different ways someone else may look at a situation or a request. They send someone to the store with the specific type of milk, not just “milk, “expecting the person to know what’s been in the fridge for the past ten years. They write reminders. Etc.

Listening and communicating only lays the foundation for resolution. Once we understand a conflict, we then have to deal with it. The single most important thing in this confrontation is security. You can’t walk into a fight with the fear of one person leaving the relationship or hating the other and expect to walk out of it unscathed. Every fight should begin, end, and consist of love.

We can never let ourselves use words that cut the other person. No matter how upset we may get during our disagreement, our first responsibility is always to protect and build up that other person. When we lose sight of that, the argument has lost all of its value because we have already lost the point. We also can’t be the person that avoids conflict, so that bringing up a potential conflict becomes taboo.

Being unwilling to face conflict prevents emotional availability. Being unwilling to have a calm argument prevents emotional intimacy. Either a person will feel like he can’t express himself or a person will feel like he can’t disagree. The result is the same: instability. This affects much more than just a peaceful atmosphere in the home. It affects the trust in the relationship.

"Jesus knew their thoughts and said to them: 'Any kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and a house divided against itself will fall. Whoever is not with me is against me, and whoever does not gather with me scatters.'" (Luke 11:17, 23)

The most important thing for any relationship, for the church, and for our nation today, is that, even in the midst of disagreement, we remain united. It is, of course, difficult to put this into practice.

“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Romans 12:18)

It is not always about being right. It’s about living in peace.

“‘In your anger do not sin’: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” (Ephesians 4:26-27)